Saturday, April 28, 2012

Until you are in MY shoes...

A LOT has happened in the last month!  We went to Louisiana to spend time with my Husbands family but especially his Daughter Lauren!  We had a BLAST!  We got there a couple days before Kadynces Birthday, were there for Laurens Birthday, and left about a week before Bradyns Birthday.  All of the kids are 9 days apart from each other....crazy huh?!?  We left on a Monday morning....not knowing what was happening back in Iowa.  My Brother posted some things on Facebook....and was saying his good-byes.  To my surprise, a couple hours later, I talked to my Dad and my Brother had committed suicide.  We were on the road to Houston to stay with Bills Cousin for the night so we could fly to California the next morning when I got the phone call!  I felt like my world had ended....but that wasnt the end of it!  I had to call my Mom and tell her what had happened.  She was at work...!  :(  After I talked to my Mom, I called everyone that I could in my address book on my phone.  I didnt want anyone to have to read it on the internet or get hear say.  I tried my damnest to make sure they all got a phone call.  Bill and I talked about all of the options and made the decision to not travel back to Iowa for the services.  We didnt want to take the chance on having to pay more money or not make it back to Japan in time before Bills leave was over.  When we finally arrived in Houston, there were a couple hours when I could get my mind off of everything.  We sat outside in the gorgeous weather, Bill and the kids were in the hot tub, and we ate pizza for dinner.  After the kids got settled down, Bill and I laid on the bed.  Bill fell right to sleep but all I could think about now was Tim.  I could see him standing there telling me not to worry about anything....its all taken care of!  He kept telling me that he was happy, that he knows that this was the right choice.  After 2 hours of sleep, we had to get up, eat, and drive to the Airport.  We had A LOT of traveling to do the next few days!  We made it to California, and it still had not sunk in yet.  The next day, we flew to Hawaii.  Thats when it started to hit me.  Here I was, on a beach in Waikiki, playing with my kids, and realizing that I will never get to hear my Brothers voice again.  Then I think, I can hear him when ever I want.  He will be with me all of the time and no matter what I am doing!!  We were in Hawaii for 2 days before getting a flight home to Japan.  While in Hawaii, I received a couple nasty messages on my Facebook asking why I was not going home, how Im a piece of shit, etc.  So, I posted it on my Wall so everyone could see the crap I had to deal with even though it was a TOUGH of the HARDEST that we ever had to make!!  After getting back to Japan, I had a couple ROUGH nights.  Every time I would close my eyes, I could just see Tim.  I went and got a tattoo so I will always know that Tim is with me!  It has helped me A LOT!  Ive had LOTS of compliments on it and it means a lot!  It hurt like HELL but it was totally worth the 2 hours of pain!  Im pretty sure that Tim was there with me drinking a Bud Light and trying to get me to laugh!  :)   

It has been 3 weeks since everything has happened.  It STILL hasnt sunk in all of the way.  I STILL have moments where I just cry.  I look at his pictures and think of all of the GREAT memories that we had.  I think of all of the memories that he will miss....and then a thought comes across my mind...he isnt missing anything...he is right here with us. 

Until you are in my shoes, nobody can judge.  No comments can be made.  NOTHING!  Until you are in my shoes, you will NEVER know the sacrifices that a Military family HAS to make!  Until you are in my shoes, you will NEVER know what its like to miss the moments that you can only wish you were there for!  Until you are in my shoes, you will NEVER understand!!!  <3

Tim-I know that you understand and thats all that matters!  We love you and I will talk to you soon!!!  :)